All my life, I've been a happy go lucky, peaceful type of person. As a child I never liked confrontations, fights or negative attitudes. I still don't. Matter of fact, I was usually the peace keeper always wanting everyone to get along. When I was younger, I remember my parents arguing in front of me. I reacted by not talking to them for days. No matter what they did, I wouldn't talk to them. It concerned them enough to change their ways
(a strategic move on my part) so they argued when I wasn't around.
I knew then that anger and negative actions were not suppose to be a part of my blueprint. My friends use to make fun of me saying that I was from another planet because I had so much patience. One day while doing some research, I stumbled upon a book called Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. I was truly overjoyed and relieved because the book connected a lot of dots for me. I had a better sense of clarity about why I am the way that I am. The book states that Emotional Intelligence is a trait not measured by an IQ test. A set of skills including listening, control of one's impulses, self-motivation, empathy and social competence in interpersonal relationships. The people who possess these skills are usually
outstanding performers and business leaders.
I am now a mature women with an exceptional personality and the same emotional skills. I call it "The Gift With A Price". The gift part of my emotional stability is that I have this uncanny ability to help, reason, calm and redirect those who do not posses the emotional skills to do so and they listen! This ability also helps me focus on and compartmentalize what the real issues are when dealing with an emotional uprising and not on the angry negative emotions being thrown around. The price for this gift is that it can be quite draining at times and I "must" have other emotional IQ individuals around that I can use as sounding boards.
Aristotle writes "Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way-that is not easy".
In my last entry titled Emotional IQ; The gift with a price. I spoke about Emotional Intelligence and how it's been so effective in my life. I would like to share five ways to quickly improve your Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence (EQ or EI) can be defined as the ability to understand, manage and effectively express one's own feelings as well as engage and navigate successfully with others. According to Talent Smart, 90% of high performers at the work place possess high EQ, while 80% of low performers have low EQ. Emotional Intelligence is absolutely essential in the formation, development maintenance, and enhancement of close personal relationships. Unlike IQ, which does not change significantly over a lifetime, our EQ can evolve and increase with our desire to learn and grow.
1. The ability to deal with one's own negative emotions
"We become what we think about all day long" -Ralph Waldo Emerson-
Perhaps no aspect of EQ is more important than our ability to effectively mange our own negative emotions, so they don't overwhelm us and affect our judgment. In order to change the way we feel about a situation, we must first change the way we think about it. Neuro-psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Amen developed an easy to practice exercise call "ANT Therapy-Killing our Automatic Negative Thoughts," which helps us examine the nature of our negative experiences and relate to it in such a way as to reduce our negative emotions. (This link I provided has to be placed in manually unfortunately it's not available through this video link. Click on link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7SGDnL1j7lw and copy it onto the you tube search for) Dr.Amen(Change your brain; Change your life 7-8) explains A.N.T. Therapy from 01:04 to the end of the clip, and at the very beginning of the next sequence. Please watch it and share with me what you learned from this. video clip. Dr. Amen is very funny as well as informative. In part three, four, and five of Emotional IQ; the gift with the price I will be sharing the next four tips so please log in.
2. The ability to stay cool under pressure
"Trouble comes from the mouth" - Chinese proverb
Most of us experience some level of stress in life. How we handle stressful situations can make the difference between being assertive versus reactive, and poised versus frazzled. When under pressure the most important thing to keep in mind is to keep our cool. Here are some quick tips:
A. If you feel angry and upset with someone, before you say something you might later regret, take a deep breath and try to calm down so that you can think about how to figure out a better way of communicating the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of complicate the problem. If you're still upset after taking a deep breath take some time away from the issue or situation if possible, and revisit the matter after you have calmed down.
B. If you feel nervous and anxious, put cold water on your face and get some fresh air. Cool temperature can help reduce anxiety levels. Avoid caffeinated beverages which can stimulate you nervousness.
C. If you feel fearful depressed, or discouraged, try intense aerobic exercises. Energize yourself. The way we use our bodies affects greatly the way we feel. As the saying goes-motion dictates emotion. As you experience the vitality of your body, your confidence will also grow. Some other suggestions are to go out with a few friends and engage in some really fun activities such as sports, or playing games at an arcade or to the movies and see a really good comedy movie because a good laugh or laughter will create feelings of well being.
D. If you feel overwhelmed, confused, stuck, or uninspired, go outdoors and clear your head. Go into nature and surround yourself into the beauty of color. Walk. Take deep breaths. Empty your mind. Come back with a fresh perspective.
The ability to read social clues
"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."
People with high EQ are generally more accurate in their ability to perceive and interpret others' emotional, physical and verbal expressions. They also know how to communicate effectively to clarify intentions. Based on the writings of Ronald Adler and Russell Proctor ll, here are a couple of tips to increase the accuracy of reading social clues:
A. When we see an expression from someone that we don't understand fully, come up with at least two possible interpretations before jumping to conclusion. For example, I may be tempted to think my friends not returning my call because he's ignoring me, or I can consider the possibility that he's been very busy. When we avoid personal-zing other people's behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively. People do what they do because of them more than because of us. Widening our perspective on the situation can reduce the possibility of misunderstanding.
"A negative look from someone else may mean nothing more than they're constipated!"
B. Seek clarification when needed. If necessary, inquire with the other person for clarification on why she's behaving the way she does. Ask opened ended questions such as: "I'm just curious, can you tell me why.., " and avoid accusations and judgments. Compare that person's words with body language and behavior to check for congruency.
4. The ability to be assertive and express difficult emotions when necessary
"Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship."
There are times in all of our lives when it's important to set our boundaries appropriately, so people know where we stand. These can include exercising our right to disagree (without being disagreeable), saying "no" without feeling guilty, setting our own priorities, getting what we paid for, and protecting ourselves from duress and harm.
One method to consider when needing to express difficult emotions in the XYZ technique- I feel X when you do Y in situation Z Here are some examples:
"I feel strongly that I should receive recognition from the company based on my contributions."
"I feel uncomfortable that you expect me to help you over my own priorities."
"I feel disappointed when you didn't follow through when you told me you would."
"I feel frustrated when you continue to bot take our finances seriously."
"I feel hurt when you made fun of me at dinner last night."
Avoid using sentences that begin with "you" and followed by accusation or judgment, such as "you are...," "you should....," "you need to...," "You" language followed by such directives put the listener on the defense and make them less likely to be open to what you have to say.
My name is D'or. I am a successful entrepreneur, mother keynote speaker and business woman who is confident, principle centered and character based. I am a mature woman with an
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